Facing my fears....time to move forward.
Ever since the 15th of May my slogan of "I am facing my fear, my fear is disappearing" has bothered me. This has been my personal slogan for 6 (yes....six) years now. I've been facing fears such as public speaking, job interviews, getting lost, being alone, starting over, talking to complete strangers, making new friends, starting new jobs, being disconnected from friends and family, etc intensely for the last year or so. I do feel that I am able to face and enter any situation I can think of. Now, I will respect anyone who disagrees with me and says, "yah right, aren't we getting a bit TOO full of ourselves? Are we getting a little TOO confident?" The answer is no. I'm merely stating that I have desensitized myself for situations that previously "2-10" years ago would not even realise in my mind without electing intense panicking fear and worry. I do still feel a certain amount of fear, but I have created references that pushes me to walk and talk in any direction. It is still not a proverbial "walk in the park", it still takes a certain amount of concentration and especially motivation, but I feel......ABLE. Enough of the past, if any queries or further questions, feel free to ask.
Let's talk about the future. I feel that it is time for a now slogan. I've been delving deep to come up with something that can express my deepest desire and means of achieving it in one sentence. The advice from my Dad "nothing is more important that being happy" mixed with the thoughts of "we are what we continuously think, feel and do" is leading me into the direction of "I choose to feel, think and do what leads to ultimate happiness". But this is a bit loose. It sounds too easy, too unspecified. I want to incorporate my realization that to achieve my desires it takes constant and never-ending responsibility for what I think, feel and continuously do and that perfection is unreachable, which is perfect! Because that means that I CAN always improve. Not only is this responsibility to myself, but my friends, family, children I teach and everybody that I have the privilege to make happy, even if it's only for a moment. This is the basic idea.....I will ponder it, swirl it, and eventually mold it into a form that makes me feel most at ease. Any suggestions welcome.
Today I went for two job interviews. And incidentally enough both interviewers had the name of "Amber". Bearly any anticipation fear. I entered the situations, faced them, came out alive. I'm still awaiting response from the first . I was totally honest with her. She asked the usual questions and then carefully asked a very personal one of why I often "stop" when I speak. Of course this is the result of my pausing in speaking, deliberate disfluency and the actual stuttering that comes through once in a while. I explained that as in our current conversation, it's reality, it's the way I speak, and it will and is no problem when teaching. She then asked that if prepare will I be 100% fluent.....I looked into her eyes smiled and said. No. Never. But maybe it will be 99%. That was the first phase of the interview, awaiting response, no expectations. The second interview went great. I secured one more hour teaching per week. Hurray! Contacts: 7300. Only made 300 in the last month.
